DVNLP Kongress Hamburg,


15:30 – 17:00

Liebe praktisch umsetzen - die 14 Grundformen der Liebe:

2 Everyday challenges

Example 1:
Jan and Luisa have been married for a few years and have recently become parents. They had both been employed in different advertising agencies but Janina's birth has changed their lives completely. Immediately after the birth, Jan had taken parental leave so he could spend the first three months with his family. It had been a wonderful time and they had had the opportunity to grow together. Unfortunately, the time flashed by and in April Jan had to go back to work full time.
He misses his little family and although her days are filled, Luisa misses Jan. She enjoys the intimacy with her small daughter, who already has a distinct personality. They spend every afternoon in the open. Once a week, Luisa meets with a couple of women from the birth preparation course with whom she gets along well.
As time passes, Jan has to concentrate fully on his job and rarely gets home before 20.00. He is tired and mostly, his little daughter is already asleep. 
Janina sleeps with her parents in the big bed, and when Luisa breastfeeds her at night, Jan is barely awake. Luisa has deliberately chosen to breastfeed and is pleased that it has worked out so well. She knows from friends that this cannot be taken for granted.
Physical intimacy between Jan and Luisa has been reduced to loving cuddles - and not just since Janina's birth. It has been some time since Luisa has really desired her husband passionately.
Jan misses their sexuality. But he does not want to pressure Luisa as he is quite often exhausted too. Nevertheless, he has recently been wondering if “that was it?” Does becoming a parent mean that a partnership will automatically sink into asexuality? Can he only look forward to a future of work, sports and taking care of children?  As it often is, weeks pass without sex.
Eventually, Jan expresses his thoughts aloud. Luisa, who is tidying up scattered toys from the long wooden dining table in the open kitchen, pauses in her movement and looks thoughtful. However, she does not really say much and Jan leaves the subject alone.
A few days later, Luisa brings up the topic again: "I think it’s important not to try to force anything. For me, our new life has brought some pretty big changes. My thoughts are often with you. I love you, you know that, and I hope you feel that?" She looks questioningly at her husband. Jan nods and takes Luisa into his arms and strokes her hair: "I just miss you sometimes." He tenderly kisses Luisa, who quickly frees herself. Looking obliquely at her husband she says: "You aren’t one of these guys who think they can exert pressure, are you?" "No, I’m not,” he answers, “at least I think not." Jan looks at her thoughtfully and Luisa feels that something is not really right between them. However, pressure is the last thing she wants from her husband right now.

Example 2:
Sebastian and Sabrina have been married for almost 20 years. Their only son Rolf has left home and, following in his father’s footsteps, is studying law. Sabastian is a successful lawyer with his own law firm and several employees. His workload is enormous but, as he likes to say, "nothing is free in this life."
Sabrina, a passionate horsewoman, has a large circle of friends. For many years, she has been supporting her friend Anke, who runs a private riding stable. In the early years, Sabrina had helped with advertising and later, when the riding-school started to do well, with advice and organization. Anke’s most recent venture is the opening of a small but well-stocked specialty store in an unused stable near her house. This too was Sabrina's idea.
It often happens that Sebastian and Sabrina hardly see each other all week. Sebastian leaves the house early, while Sabrina is usually still in the shower. However, they keep each other up to date by telephone during the day, as Sebastian often has to spend evenings with business partners or clients. In fact, in recent months, his workload has increased even more, because his firm has acquired two important new cases. This means that Sabrina hardly sees her husband in the evenings. Although she is keeping busy - at the urging of an acquaintance, she has recently been volunteering at a social organization - she misses her husband. 
Quite naturally, their relationship had changed over the long years. From the early hot love, a good, humorous relationship had developed, in which both could nurture their individual projects, without their partner feeling neglected.  In fact,  each  has always revelled in the successes of the other. However, lately, Sabrina has been feeling that somehow they have lost touch.
It's getting to be dangerous, thinks Sabrina. I don’t know anymore who he spends his evenings with, what bothers him or even, what excites him. Not that she doubts his affection or fidelity. It is just that they know so little about each other nowadays - and their sexuality has been dormant for a long time.
"What would you answer if a Genie asked what you wanted?" Sabrina looks inquiringly at her husband over the edge of the coffee cup, as they enjoy the rare pleasure of a completely uninterrupted day. "A genie? Hmm ... " Sebastian looks thoughtful, then looks out the window: "I would wish that I could sleep for a whole week!" With a sigh, he reaches for the newspaper, but lays it aside, stands up and stretches. "I think I’ll run a lap. Wanna join me?" Sabrina shakes her head.
She is disappointed, even if she feels a little childish. She would wish for a weekend all alone with him; only the two of them in a small, quiet, romantic hotel somewhere with a nice view in the mountains; an open fireplace in the small lobby; a large, wonderfully comfortable bed, where they would make passionate love. In moments when she is honest with herself she admits that she is unhappy. It disturbs her that her husband no longer desires her sexually. Obviously, she is no longer attractive to him. The thought hurts. On the other hand, she often notices that other men seem quite interested in her. She sometimes wonders what would happen if she reacted?
Indignant with herself, she pushes the thought aside once more. What nonsense. She loves Sebastian and still desires him. Unfortunately, this desire does not seem to be reciprocal.