DVNLP Kongress Hamburg,


15:30 – 17:00

Liebe praktisch umsetzen - die 14 Grundformen der Liebe:

2 Everyday challenges

Example 1:
Jan and Luisa have been married for a few years and work in different advertising agencies. The birth of their daughter Janina has turned their lives around. Jan arranged to take three months off work so the young family could spend quality time growing together. It was a wonderful time but it passed all too quickly and all too soon Jan had to go back to work full time.
At first, he pines for his family and they miss him. However, after some time they both adjust to the new routine. Luisa bonds more and more intimately with her daughter, who has already developed a personality and is taking up all her time. They spend every afternoon in the fresh air and once a week visit some other young mothers they had met in the delivery ward.
Soon, Jan’s job is demanding his full attention. Often, he doesn’t get home before 8 p.m. and is disappointed to find Janina already in bed.
Having consulted lots of friends, Luisa decided to breast feed her baby. This means that Janina spends most of the night in the big bed but Jan barely notices. Of course this has affected their love life and at first it is not a problem. However, time passes, and Luisa is showing no signs of wanting to resume their previous nightly activities. Jan doesn’t want to pressure her. Anyway, he is often very tired. Sometimes he can’t help wondering if becoming a parent meant that he was going to have to be semi-celibate. It seems to him that a long time has passed since he had a regular sex life.
On the other hand, his career is going well. He has been put in charge of an important new account. The new customer and more importantly, his bosses are very happy with him.
They give him a free hand, so he often finds himself dealing with the new client in the form of Regina a very professional career woman. She is a bit older than him and demands the very best. At first, he is exhausted by the intense debates they have but he soon discovers that he is learning a lot and Regina does listen to him when his ideas are good. What often helps ease the atmosphere is the sense of humour they both share.
To her own great surprise, Luisa has become completely absorbed by motherhood. Although she finds her new role fulfilling, she is often happy to just stretch out on the couch and listen to a CD. She often doesn’t have the energy to talk much when Jan finds her like that. This does not bother Jan because he always has some work to catch up on. As soon as he can, he disappears into his home office and switches on his PC.
After some time, Luisa notices that Jan is not giving her his full attention. However, she doesn’t mention this because, in fact, she does not blame him. Nevertheless, she had imagined family life to be different.
6 weeks later, when Luisa catches a bad dose of the flu, she realizes for the first time how alone she has become. Jan does his best. He manages to take the morning off but he has a meeting he cannot postpone at 1 p.m. Knowing what the advertising business is like, Luisa understands that he has to leaver her with her high fever and blinding headache. She does not understand why he has to arrive home late to find her totally exhausted after a day trying to look after her energy-bundle baby as best as she could.
“Have you no consideration? Couldn’t you have made a slight effort to get home early for once? I might as well be a single parent.” Jan is going to say something but decides not to. Silently, he brings Janina to bed.

Example 2:
Sebastian and Sabrina have been married for 20 years. Their only child Rolf has left home to follow in his father’s footsteps and study law. Sebastian has a successful practice, which employs several people. He owes his success to his ability to work hard. “There are no free rides,” he likes to say.
Sabrina, a passionate equestrian, has a big circle of friends. For years, she has been supporting her friend Anke, who runs her own stables. In the early stages, Sabrina had helped with advertising and later with administration when things were up and running. Sabrina’s most recent suggestion was the opening of a small upmarket shop for riders in an unused stall.
There are often weeks when Sebastian and Sabrina hardly see each other. Sebastian leaves home early while Sabrina is still in the shower. Sebastian often has to meet clients in the evening. However, they regularly phone and bring each other up to date.
Owing to two new clients his firm took on over the last several months, Sebastian’s work load has increased still further. This means that Sabrina has been seeing even less of him in the evenings. Although she keeps busy and, among other things, has recently been volunteering in a social organization, she misses her husband.
Their relationship has of course changed over the years. The searing passion of the initial phase has matured into a good-humoured partnership. Both of them have space to pursue their individual projects without giving their partner a feeling of neglect. They have enjoyed each other’s successes. Recently however, Sabrina has begun to feel that their connection has been weakened. Whereas there is no feeling of distrust in Sebastian’s affection for her, their sex life has become a thing of the past.
She no longer knows who he spends his evening with. He no longer shares his worries or triumphs with her. In fact, they don’t know much about what is going on in each other’s lives.  
Once or twice, Sabrina made an attempt to express her feelings and worries about their marriage. Sebastian had listened inattentively for a few moments and then changed the subject. Finally, she decided that things could not go on this way. She made an appointment with a therapist.
The therapist drew Sabrina’s attention to one relationship tool she had, at least recently, been neglecting. She has not been expressing any wishes.
That evening, as they are having a snack before going to the theatre, she says that she would like to spend a weekend together in London. Sebastian looks flabbergasted. “But you always said you liked London, don’t you remember?” Sebastian mumbles something unintelligible and points out that they have to make a move. Sabrina is devastated. The distance between her and husband seems so great she cannot imagine overcoming it.